Strange Loops

Reflection

On my long run yesterday, I was able to reflect on the events from the last seven days. I was trying to understand what this experience would teach me. This has been a major wake up call. 

I thought through a lot but I kept coming back to 3 main ideas:

1. Life is too short to be anything but happy.

2. Someday might never come. 

3. What we leave behind is not as important as how we've lived.

It's not clear how I'll use these ideas since my mind is still in a fog of sadness, anger and fatigue. Hopefully the next couple of days will help to make things clearer.

Seafair Marathon 2008

It's been a couple of days since I finished the marathon. I needed a couple of days to remember what happened on Sunday. The entire day just blurred together for me.

T - 1

It's almost time. I was struggling to come up with words to describe how I feel at this moment. The last marathon I was oncall right up until the day before. I was stressed out about the high severity ticket that had come in Thursday. I handed it off to another person (pre-arranged) Saturday morning and did not have time to collect my thoughts before the race. That might have been a good thing or bad thing. I don't know.

I worry of course. It's my nature. The Seattle PI reports the weather is going to be hot on Sunday. We've been training in unusually cold weather. I worry that I'll melt under the heat. I worry that I don't have the strength to finish. It's best not to worry about the things that I can't control. Training with Jim has taught me that. All I need to focus on is the right pace. Getting into a groove and feeling right about being out there. Sharing the course with my team mates and coach for one last time. Being grateful for being able to do this.

Training is done.

**Rocky Balboa - Training Montage**

That's how the season felt. With the up and downs of training. I find the Rocky movies the best expression of how I feel sometimes. I just have one final round left this season:

Rocky Balboa - Final Round

T - 7 and counting

Seven days until the marathon.

We've been tapering for the last two weeks after the 20 miler. The previous weekend was spent on Tiger mountain running 12 miles.

Yesterday was our last team practice as we ran 8 miles around the Greenlake area. This has been a great training season for me, I've been extremely privileged to work with Jim (coach) and a core group of team mates.  I felt a touch of melancholy at the thought of not seeing Jim, Kit, and the team every Saturday. When you start out marathon training, it's uncomfortable. Going outside when its dark, wet, cold (or a combination) is hard. It's hard to motivate yourself sometimes. When you do it with a group, that you bond with over the course of the season, going out to run no longer becomes uncomfortable. It becomes something you get done.

On our very last Thursday run, me and Jim chatted while we warmed up around the park. He talked about how a marathon is a training exercise, how that when I got it done I would miss waking up early on those Saturday mornings. For him, the greatest pleasure was the discipline of setting a plan and executing on it. The main event is in many ways a victory lap for those months and months of preparation that was required.

Throughout the season, Kit has been an incredible source of inspiration for me. The ability to do what she has done and live with CLL. She's always shown up at our Saturday practices even though it drains her energy deeply. Having her at the coldest days of the season handing out hand warmers was a great motivator for me to keep moving. Like her, many CLL patients fight constant challenges to keep a sense of normalcy.

Unlike them, I have one final challenge left this season. One long run to get done.

What's Next?

Tuesday Night
Me: I just went running
AD: I feel like running a half marathon
Me: There is Vancouver in May. JD said I should run it
AD: My knees are shot and I need to train but if you run it, I’ll tag along
Me: More like you zipping ahead
AD: No I’m serious
Me: How about I tell you this weekend after I complete a week of running?
AD: Offer stands for the next 45 minutes
Me: Oh alright
(walks to computer and checks the date for the vancouver half marathon)

I’ve registered for the event. 85 days til Race day. The website has a nice countdown clock: http://www.bmovanmarathon.ca/hm/index.php (I'm also procrastinating from doing my performance review. They're due later today)

It’s a good motivator for me to start working myself back into shape. Hopefully it won’t take me too long to get into shape (due to the leftover fitness levels from December) I’ve also heard nice things about the course so I’m semi-excited. No particular time goal. It would be nice to just finish. I would not be too upset if I did better than 2:20 (my only half marathon time) though.

I won't register for the SF Marathon until after the Vancouver half marathon. I'll use Vancouver to decide if I want to run any marathons (or which) this year.