For the last couple of weeks, I’ve been in a strange funk. I’ve felt like a piece of wood drifting in the ocean. It’s been impossible to shake off this feeling of constant dread. I don’t think it’s one thing causing it but a number of factors.
- Lack of exercise
I think my running last year gave me my highest and lowest points of my life. When I ran 12 miles, I was on top of the world. I had worked for many months to get to that point and damn! did it feel good. It’s true I didn’t do the conventional running route but rather a walk-run program. But 12 miles is 12 miles. It was a significant milestone. I’m not sure what happened after that. I just started getting pounded by loads of stuff at the office and after my big move I just wasn’t motivated to go running anymore. That was the major low point of my life; I was closer than ever to running the marathon but was further away from running it. Paradoxical I know….
I’ve been pushing myself to be more motivated for the last two weeks. I’ve started going to sleep early and waking up early. So far I’ve only been able to push myself to run once. One time in the last two weeks.
- My career
Lately, I felt that my career has become stagnant. At the start of the year, I was beginning a new project. I had hoped it would mean an opportunity for me to define (or at least play a role) the technical direction of my group. I was excited at the possibilities. It’s not turned out that way though. I feel like I’ve been left out of in the cold and that my potential to contribute has been marginalized (I’ve essentially come full circle, doing what I did as an intern but with a different toolset).
Perhaps I’m reaping what I’ve sowed and everything that is happening right now is my fault. I’ve talked to my manager, I feel he is satisfied with my performance and the work I’ve to do needs to get done by someone. What I need to do now is just focus on what needs to get done and do it well. With the same exacting demanding standards I’ve set myself in the past. The last two weeks I’ve not done that and I think is affecting my morale slightly.
The alternative is to jump ship. I’ve managed to build a network within the company and it turns out that there are interested parties. I just don’t know about jumping ship. It almost feels traitorous if I left my colleagues at this point. My heart says one thing and my mind say another thing….
- 30 in 18
Am I where I want to be at this point in my life? I’ve done well I could say. I built up a nice nest egg (I could still do a better job). My career, whilst I feel has become stagnant, is definitely further along when I started. I guess I want more. I *know* I could be doing more. I **need** more. I’m a believer in Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and I’m starting to feel the pain of being too low on the hierarchy. Hence my desire for more.
Coming out of school, this would have been my dream job. The problem is that I’m not any closer to meeting any of those requirements than when I left school. Sometimes I feel that I have regressed in abilities. The side effect of the day to day pressures of my job.
I’m not quite sure where I’m going with this. Writing about it here helps to actualize (concretize?) my thoughts. This could be a slump and I could be at the tail end of it. Or it could be something worse. I just don’t know right now. The best thing is to hunker down at work, get things done and just hold out until my vacation time in March. Use that time in March to help me relax and regain the bigger perspective I’ve seem to have lost.